Times of India Article - 24/12/2007 - About a Child's Self Esteem

Children should look to keep their esteem engines going

Meher Marfatia

Sandwiched between ‘self-employed’ and ‘self-evident’ in dictionaries is ‘self-esteem’: a good opinion of oneself. It’s something children can do with, considering the increasing number of student suicides and campus shootouts. But, what seems such a free and easy state of being could actually be the trickiest to achieve.

Pegged at Number 4 in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, self-esteem precedes self-actualisation which sits at the apex of this pyramidal theory of human motivation. Inadequate esteem results in discouragement and feelings of inferiority, he explained.

Although poor self-esteem lies at the core of much social turmoil, from inner angst expressed as aggression to communication breakdown on the personal front and at the workplace, it’s still an underrated quality, agree mental health experts. “Self-esteem is equally vital in the corporate world. A person’s state of well-being definitely sends positive motivation down the line,’’ says Mehul Kuwadia, CEO of Grey Cells, a training consultancy. While self-esteem generates a ripple effect and develops mutual respect in an office, Kuwadia warns, “A fine line divides esteem from ego. False pride shouldn’t block progress.’’

If low self-esteem triggers the classic superiority complex, there are tougher things to come to terms with. The strangest syndromes, apparently unconnected with esteem, very often are. Take the case of a man whose fear of flying is extended to sick reactions like extreme acidity each time he has to board a flight. While it obviously made him an infrequent traveller, his psychoanalyst discovered he was not only frustrated at this “failing’’ but also resented a wealthier wife. As she dug deeper, the the rapist unravelled self-esteem disturbances dating back to childhood insecurity and envy of a younger brother suddenly becoming the centre of attraction for his family, a problem that made her patient’s own sense of worth plummet.

Ruta Vyas, who conducts self-esteem workshops for children and corporate groups, blames the patriarchal structure of society where a woman’s worth is defined by prescribed standards and expectations. “A woman’s life is seldom hers, claimed by those who ‘depend’ on her. To fulfil these roles, she does not see herself as an individual with her choices but, unhappily, as an enabler of other people’s priorities,’’ says Vyas.

An alarming aspect is that selfworth can be synonymous with warped body image perception. Calories count as they mount in weightconscious urban India. The thin-is-in craze can assume severe delusional aspects if personal dissatisfaction with physical size and shape becomes obsessive. Women tend to bite this bait easier. Susie Orbach’s argument in her anti-diet guide Fat is a Feminist Issue—that women’s relationships with their bodies mould complex psychological patterns—couldn’t be truer than in these dangerous days of eating disorders, with anorexia and bulimia claiming younger girls than ever before.

Thanks to the women’s movement, attention has been paid in recent years to the need to nurture self-esteem among girls. Journalist Ammu Joseph points out, “These efforts are necessary and should be widespread. But it’s as important to address selfesteem issues among men, in the interests of society as a whole. No man with genuine self-esteem would ever beat or rape a woman. The high prevalence of gender violence indicates a low prevalence of self-esteem among men.’’

Shoring Up Self-esteem

Know that life is not a contest where some win and others must lose. Each person has a unique designated place in the world. Be yourself. Self-esteem is not how people feel about you but how worthy you feel you are.

Filter feedback. Don’t accept everything coming your way with blind faith, from significant others too; our closest ones too have the power to make or break us.

Get a life and be busy, don’t keep the spotlight on thoughts of yourself. An idle mind gets into a negative spin.

Exercise and care for your body, it goes with a healthy mind. Generally, people who think they look good, feel good as well.

Become financially independent, even in a small way. It certainly does boost self-worth.
Help out. Teach a skill, assist the elderly or volunteer for a social event. Anything that helps someone else will also leave you feeling good.

Keep all promises, even the smallest ones—this makes you confident of being dependable and trustworthy.

Finish things you start. Achieve modest milestones set and you’ll believe yourself capable of bigger things.

Have a sense of humour. Laugh a lot, mostly at yourself! Don’t get all selfreprimanding when you make a mistake. Laugh at it, learn from it and move on...

(Source: From Ruta Vyas who runs I Love Me workshops for youngsters)